361 — You’re Not a Bad Person for Feeling Envy. Here’s What You Can Actually Learn From It With Dr. Stacy Kim

Have you ever gotten good news from a friend and felt bad instead of happy for them? Or someone in the group chat announced they’re pregnant — and instead of feeling excited, you felt a little sick to your stomach. And then you felt guilty for feeling that way, so you typed “congratulations” and moved on.
 
The truth is, all of us feel envy sometimes. But most of us have been taught to get rid of it. We’ve heard that comparison is the thief of joy. G my guest today says that’s because envy isn’t a sign that there’s something wrong with you — it’s information about what you actually want.
 
My guest is Dr. Stacy Kim, a social scientist who has done research at Columbia University’s National Center for Children and Families and the Families and Work Institute. Her new book is Envy.
 
Some of the things we discuss are:
 

• The real difference between envy and jealousy and why using them interchangeably keeps you stuck
• Why “comparison is the thief of joy” is bad advice
• The four components of envy that reveal what your envy is actually trying to tell you
• What envy means about the gap between where you are and where you want to be
• The intangible desire hiding underneath every object of your envy
• Why gratitude isn’t the antidote to envy
• The Korean word for envy that doesn’t exist in English and how having two words for it changes everything
• Why high achievers and over-givers tend to experience more envy
• The four questions to ask yourself on an index card the next time envy shows up
• How to handle the hardest kind of envy
• The Therapist’s Take: My top three strategies for letting your envy teach you something starting today

Key Takeaways:

• Understanding Envy vs. Jealousy: Envy involves a desire for something someone else has, while jealousy typically involves fear of losing something to another person.
• Envy as Insightful Information: Envy informs you about what you care about, so digging deeper into specific instances of envy helps uncover deeper desires and goals.
• Envy in High Achievers: High achievers experience more envy as they strive for progress.
• Social Media and Envy: Social media amplifies envy. Understanding the algorithms can help manage feelings and redirect focus to personal growth.