360 — Only One Trying in Your Friendship? Why Keeping Score Backfires (And What to Do Instead)

Are you always the one who reaches out first? You send the text, plan the dinner, and remember everyone’s birthday. At some point you start to wonder, if I just stopped trying, would anyone even notice?
 

So you start keeping track about who called last and whose turn it is to invite everyone. But keeping score just makes you more resentful.
 

Today I’m sharing three ways to stop keeping score, how to tell whether a friendship is truly one-sided, and what to do when you’ve tried everything and it still doesn’t feel reciprocal.
 
Some of the things I talk about are:
 

• The way I sometimes keep score in relationships.
• What my survey of couples revealed about resentment, and why the same thing happens in friendships.
• How keeping score fuels resentment.
• How hidden frustration can create the pattern you’re trying to avoid.
• The one question that tells you whether your friend is in a hard season or just not invested.
• Why dropping hints backfires, and what to say when you feel taken advantage of.
• The difference between making a healthy sacrifice and becoming a martyr.
• What to do when you’ve tried everything and the friendship still feels one-sided.

Key Takeaways:

• Stop Keeping Score: Scorekeeping in friendships often leads to resentment and fails to address the core problem.
• Make Requests, Not Complaints: Clearly articulate your needs instead of expressing dissatisfaction, enabling friends to reciprocate effectively.
• Acknowledge Seasons of Life: Recognize that friends may have their own challenges and adjust your expectations accordingly.
• Encourage Reciprocity: Allow friends to contribute to the friendship by accepting their offers of help or support.
• Evaluate Friendship Dynamics: Determine if a relationship is truly one-sided by considering whether a friend has energy for others outside of you.