365 — Why Depression in Men Almost Never Looks Like Sadness and the Things That Actually Help With Therapist Jor-El Caraballo

Depression in men rarely looks like sadness and instead, looks like irritability and impatience.
 
And because it rarely looks like what we think depression should look. like, it often goes undetected and untreated for years. Whether you’re a man who recognizes some of these signs in yourself or you love a man who seems to be struggling, this episode is for you.
 
My guest today is Jor-El Caraballo, a licensed therapist and co-founder of Viva, a multi-state mental health practice. His new book is Meditations on Becoming a Man.
 
Some of the things we discuss are:
 

• Why depression in men almost never looks the way we expect it to — and the signs that most people miss
• The “preordained scripts” men carry about what a good husband, father, son, or provider is supposed to look like
• Why anger is almost always an umbrella emotion and the word Jor-El uses to describe what’s actually underneath it
• The one question every man should ask himself when a small thing has ruined his whole day
• Why the three most common coping mechanisms Jor-El sees all look socially acceptable from the outside
• “John Henry syndrome” and why the ability to endure gets confused with being a man
• Why so many men say they don’t have anyone to talk to even when they’re surrounded by people
• Why “stumbling your way through it” is okay when you don’t know what to say
• The specific warning signs that someone might be battling depression without even realizing it
• How to talk to a man in your life if you think he has depression
• The Therapist’s Take: My top three strategies for recognizing and responding to depression in the men you love

Key Takeaways:

• Depression in Men: Depression in men often presents as irritability and a short temper rather than sadness, making it frequently undiagnosed and untreated.
• Emotional Vulnerability: Men are culturally conditioned to hide vulnerabilities, associating strength with enduring hardships silently.
• Anger as an Umbrella Emotion: Anger often masks deeper feelings such as tenderness or shame that men are culturally pressured to suppress.
• Supporting Struggling Men: For those supporting men who may be struggling, providing resources without pressuring them into conversations can be an effective strategy to encourage recovery.
• Importance of Emotional Literacy: Developing emotional intelligence and learning to recognize emotions as informative rather than detrimental is crucial for mental health.