329 — How to Stop Beating Yourself Up for How You Feel With Psychotherapist Daniel Smith

Have you ever caught yourself thinking, “I should be over this by now”? Maybe an old fear or insecurity shows up, and instead of just feeling it, you feel bad about feeling that way.
 
Most of us were taught that hard feelings — shame, envy, anger, boredom — are problems to be solved or character flaws to fix. And when they don’t go away, we pile on a second layer of distress. But my guest today says that’s exactly where we go wrong. The goal isn’t to get rid of hard feelings. It’s to get more curious about them.
 
My guest is Daniel Smith, a writer turned therapist whose new book is called Hard Feelings.
 
Some of the things we discuss are:
 

• Why hard feelings aren’t problems to solve — and what happens when you stop trying to optimize them away
• Why shame is the master uncomfortable emotion, and how it often gets passed down through families in silence
• The trap of asking “why do I feel this way?” — and the better question that actually helps
• Why decades of personal work doesn’t make old anxieties disappear
• The hidden cost of the positivity industry — and how well-meaning advice can become unintentionally shaming
• What boredom, envy, and even anger are trying to teach you if you’re willing to listen
• The difference between sitting with a feeling and needing to shift one — and how to know which moment calls for which
• The Therapist’s Take: My top three strategies for getting curious about hard feelings starting today

Key Takeaways:

• Embrace curiosity about difficult emotions rather than trying to eliminate them.
• Recognize the pervasive influence of shame and its role in shaping personal behaviors.
• Develop a habit of noticing and naming emotions, which can reduce their intensity.
• Shift your focus from asking “Why?” to asking “What?” when evaluating your feelings.