343 — The Real Reason You Keep Doing the Thing You Swore You'd Quit (And How to Break the Shame Spiral) with Dr. Frank Spinelli

Have you ever done something you swore you wouldn’t do again? Maybe you had too many drinks, ate the whole thing when you meant to have a bite, or started texting that ex you swore you wouldn’t talk to again. And then instead of feeling bad for a minute and moving on, you spiral into a cycle of shame, secrecy and self-destruction.
 
My guest is Dr. Frank Spinelli, a physician with more than 20 years of clinical experience. He’s also survivor of childhood sexual abuse and a shame expert who now works with hundreds of clients who working through shame.
 
Some of the things we discuss are:
 

• The difference between guilt and shame
• The four archetypal shame responses (avoid, attack self, attack other, withdraw)
• Why shame lives in silence
• The connection between shame and the behaviors we can’t stop (drinking too much, secret eating, doomscrolling, the habits we swear we’ll quit)
• What “shame literacy” is — and why most of us were never taught it
• Why the internal script “what’s wrong with me?” makes shame worse
• The unexpected forms of shame
• Why “I should be over this by now” is one of the most damaging things we say to ourselves
• The Therapist’s Take: My top three strategies for breaking the shame spiral starting today

Key Takeaways:

• Shame is a universal human emotion that can manifest as a signal when you are out of alignment with their core values. It’s crucial to discern between healthy and toxic shame.
• Shame is an informational tool not a sign that you’re not healed.
• Unlike guilt, which is connected to behavior, shame often ties to identity and self-perception.
• Developing the skill to pause before reacting allows you to assess situations from a rational perspective, reducing the control shame has over our responses.
• Giving a name to the critical voice inside our heads can help create psychological distance and challenge the thoughts it generates.